Posts filed under ‘life’

Still Haven’t Found What I’m “Looking For”

“And she’s looking for a husband” – Caedmon

“I’m not really looking per se” – Me

“Yes you are!” – Caedmon

There were probably other things said in the midst of it, but I couldn’t hear it over the intense, loud shade of red that my face was turning. Some six year old children do not know proper dinner conversation etiquette. Although the outburst was incredibly hilarious, and only partially true, it was quite thought-provoking. It was partially true because, yeah, I do want to get married. I don’t hide the fact that my desire in life is to be a wife and mother. However, “looking for” implies actively searching, which I’m not… I think. In fact, I’ve been quite good about not initiating conversations with guys lately.  In conversations where my nephew is involved, the idea of me getting married is brought up more by him than by me. He pretty much thinks that I should get married because I’m old and I should marry someone in New York that way he can come visit and play. lol. Those are solid reasons to get married, right? Well, it doesn’t matter the reasons why he says the things he says. The fact is, that I probably concern myself with the desire for a husband more than I should. Proverbs 4:25 says “Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee” (it’s a King James sort of day). If my eyes are fixed on Jesus, then it would be much more difficult for someone to confuse where I am looking or what I am looking for… even a 6 year old, I think, would see clearly where my gaze was set. Lord, let my eyes be set on You, and You alone.

August 20, 2010 at 9:40 pm 2 comments

Last Night’s Prayer

Last night was tough for me… I don’t know what it was about it, but I found myself feeling lonelier than I have felt in quite some time. I suppose I was just coming off of a high from the previous two days which held a David Crowder Band concert, babysitting, baking, voting, bible study and chill time with Brandon and his brother and sister. Compared to those activities, yesterday felt so empty. I was so lost at the end of the night, and even my daily reading didn’t fill the emptiness I was feeling. My mind was allowed to wander, and though I know that God needs to be enough, my heart longed for something else. The prayer that came from my lips last night was of complete selfishness. And while God does give good gifts to his children, I regret praying it. The moments I spent praying it and the minutes that followed meditating on what I prayed could have been used much more effectively for God’s glory. If I ask for something out of wrong motives, it’s a wasted prayer… especially when there is so much that I ought to pray for that gets neglected.

November 6, 2008 at 2:20 pm 1 comment

I wasn’t going to, but I am

here is a song I just wrote:

How Shall I Stand? (Inspired by Luke 21:36)

Glory, Glory, Lord you are grand
Finally coming to heal our land
I am unworthy, wretched and wrong
How then shall I stand?
Lord, please make me stand!

The Son of Man
Is coming in glory
How shall I stand; how shall I stand
Radiant beauty
Perfect is He
How shall I stand
How shall I stand

Out of the darkness I see your light shine
Here comes your kingdom in power divine
Honor and reverence your presence demands
How then shall I stand?
Lord, please make me stand!

The Son of Man
Is coming in glory
How shall I stand; how shall I stand
Radiant beauty
Perfect is He
How shall I stand
How shall I stand

Though I am broken, I cry out to you
Cleanse my heart – unfaithful, untrue
Your perfect blood my only relief
It’s hard to believe I stand
Lord, you make me stand!

The Son of Man
Is coming in glory
How shall I stand; how shall I stand
Radiant beauty
Perfect is He
How shall I stand
By His blood I stand!

Glory! Glory! Lord you are good!
I lift up my hands and cry as I should
This gift you have given, I can’t understand
Why you’d make me stand…
Glory! Glory! Lord you are good!
I lift up my hands and cry as I should
This gift you have given, I can’t understand
Why you’d make me stand
Lord, you make me stand
Your blood makes me stand
Lord, you make me stand

————————–——–

Luke 21:36:
“Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.”

October 19, 2008 at 1:20 am 5 comments

Positive Post Wednesday

None of you know my grandfather, I don’t even know him very well. I never got to see him very much. Most of my life was spent living in a different state than him, and the years we lived in the same state were my younger years. When we all lived in New York, my family would go camping on the St. Lawrence River in the summer, and those were the only times we really got to see grandpa. Since we moved from there, I’ve seen him at 2 family reunions and visited him in Florida one summer. He is a sweet man. He is a generous man. He is a loving man. When I was a young child, I was always more interested in playing than chatting with the grown ups, but even then he would show us where the toys were, the video games… make sure we were fed and having fun. Every year on our birthdays he would mail his grandchildren a card with a $20 check in it. At one family reunion he took on the task of handing out squirt guns to his grandchildren and great grandchildren, much to their parents dismay. At the other one I heard a story about how he chastised my cousin for a choice she had made, his tears evidence of his love for her and his disappointment in where she went wrong. My grandpa is a very strong man and also very stubborn. A few weeks ago he had some pain in his chest and left arm as he was putting his bike away. He wrote it off as a result of lifting the bike. A few days ago, he consented to go to the hospital. He was diagnosed as having congestive heart failure. The doctors say he has 2-3 days to live at most in the hospital he’s in or he can be transferred to a facility where he might have a couple weeks. I wish I had spent more time with him and got to know him better. The good news is, he is a follower of Christ. Whether he dies tonight or in 20 years I will get to know him better, because we have the same father, and for that, I am truly thankful.

—-edit—-

Know You More

When having fun was all that mattered
And I had family all around
I forfeited my chance to know you more

When selfishness consumed me
And you “wouldn’t understand”
I forfeited my chance to know you more

And now the time has come
For the Lord to call you home
And I don’t know that I’m ready to let go

The cold keeps getting colder
And the silence gets more silent
My heart, it’s slowly breaking
And my tears, they get more violent

Now your life is all that matters
And it quickly slips away
And I forfeited my chance to know you more

The cold keeps getting colder
And the silence gets more silent
My heart, it’s slowly breaking
And my tears, they get more violent

And when this is all over
And we meet beyond heavens doors
Maybe then I’ll take forever to know you more

October 8, 2008 at 5:01 pm 4 comments

More Permanent

I’m thinking about making my hiatus more permanent and less encompassing. I think I won’t be posting here anymore, but allow myself to get online occassionally. This last week, I feel like I’ve been much happier than I normally am. So I love you all and hope God blesses you so abundantly! You can e-mail me anytime you want –> Anon4him@gmail.com

I may drop by time to time to check your blogs, but probably not so frequently. *hugs love and prayer*

also, I love the song Every Little Thing by Hawk Nelson

September 28, 2008 at 2:48 pm 2 comments

Psuedo Hiatus

I’m addicted to the internet – a lot! So, for the next week I’m not going to get online. Already I’m wanting to make allowances for such and such a case, but the fact is, I haven’t been reading my bible, I haven’t been praying as much as I ought to, I’ve been staying up till ridiculous hours, and I really need to cut this thing down with a big machete! So, I’m gonna start out small. One week. One week isn’t going to make or break me and I need to loosten the grip that has been squeezing the real life out of me. If you need to get ahold of me (psh, haha, that’s right no one here really knows me much ‘cept Raquel) you can call me.  Umm… since Raquel is the only person who has my number, if you don’t need to call me, but want to chat you can ask her for it. Manyways, *hugs love and prayer* I’d really appreciate prayer from all of you… I’ve been struggling with some things lately… big, important, direction of my life things. I hope you all have a blessed week!

September 21, 2008 at 12:01 pm 3 comments

My (not) Perfect Day

Yesterday wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty close. Here are some bullet points:

  • I didn’t have to babysit because my niece wasn’t feeling well.
  • I bought groceries at Meijer for scalped potatoes and ham, green beans and mini-apple pies.
  • I slammed on my breaks to avoid running a stop sign
  • I spent all afternoon preparing said food.
  • Brought said food over to an ill friends’ apartment where we enjoyed a luke-warm meal, watched some Family Guy, watched Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, washed some dishes, watched a few music videos, and read a couple chapters of Proverbs.
  • I slammed on my breaks to avoid running a red light (This was the first day I’ve ever really had to slam on my breaks)
  • I got home at around 1, and fell asleep on my bed.

September 17, 2008 at 4:18 pm 4 comments

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