I’m Probably the Worst Thing for Myself

June 10, 2008 at 10:36 pm Leave a comment

You know, I think I would be fine if I wasn’t me. Well, not if I wasn’t me, but if I didn’t do the things I do. As it turns out, the things I do make me hurt inside. I do the stupidest things – like liking boys. It wrecks me! Just today my heart was crushed in two ways both because I liked boys. One, due to a boy I had a crush on who made it obvious through a simple action that he didn’t feel the same. I can appreciate that, that he would completely avoid leading me on. It was a good thing on his part. It did, however, make me feel quite incapable of being liked by a good Christian boy. Then I liked a boy again and was stupid. This was stupid more because I pretty much knew what I was going to see, and I decided to see it anyway. I am quite the jealous type and I miss being loved. Now I just feel like I’m not good enough for anyone. Contrary to my last post, what if God doesn’t have that wonderful man for me. I’m totally bad for myself because I am trying to get my worth by what a boy thinks of me… what any boy thinks of me.

In all honesty, if I didn’t have myself against me, I would be so happy and confident. I mean, check me out without the boy issue. I’m 20 years old. I’m not particularly ugly. I have a wonderful family (most of them). I got to play Division 2 softball at a Junior College for 2 years while getting my school paid for. I’ve maintained a good GPA. Next year I not only get to go to Cedarville, but I get to play softball there without even having tried out. I generally enjoy athletics which affords me a good amount of friends and helps keep me mostly in-shape. I’m good at baking. I’m good at art. I have an abundance of clothing and a terrific sense of style (if I do say so myself). I’ve been blessed with academic ability without having to try too hard. I have Jesus Christ in my life, which perhaps I should have mentioned first. I have some really good friends who will talk with me and listen to me and encourage me. I have a lot going for me. It seems like the only thing going against me is myself. I wish it was easier to just cut me off.

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Entry filed under: life. Tags: , .

Sometimes… I like hugs ^_^

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