Moving On (Hopefully)

May 20, 2008 at 9:35 pm Leave a comment

You know how sometimes it feels like so much has happened, but nothing has changed? That’s where I’m at right now. In the past year I’ve been broken up with, lost my softball scholarship, got and left my frist job at McDonald’s, lived with my sister’s family in Wisconsin for 4 months, watched 2 sisters get married, had 2 sisters give birth with another one very pregnant right now, got my softball scholarship back for the Spring semester, taken more college classes, become a first baseman rather than a catcher, went to Florida for Spring training where I met up with the Cedarville softball team, had Cedarville interested in me playing softball for them, applied and been accepted to Cedarville, had a softball season record of 50 – 5, Won States, Won Regionals, come in 4th place in Nationals, had a few coffee visits with Michael, had a few talks with Trisha and Julie, had a few random interactions with Charlie, had a few crushes (which didn’t last long) because in spite of all of this that has happened, I’m still not over the first thing on my list. I still have tremendous feelings for that boy that I said I would always love and never leave. When I said I’ll always love you, you know I meant for good. My friends are hoping for a change though. They don’t want me to be hung up on Zach because they seem to “know” that God has someone better for me. Someone more wonderful than I could ever imagine… I’m getting light-headed just thinking about it! I don’t believe anywhere in the bible it promises that God has an amazing young man who is going to find me and love me in God’s time, but at the same time it is such a wonderful thing to hope for. The hope that some man out there will love me despite of how I’ve failed before, who will love me despite my flaws, who will love me despite my weaknesses. If there is such a man out there so willing to love me and to forgive me and at the same time be head and shoulders above Zach… well wow… then I am getting way more than I deserve. It’s hard to imagine that this wonderful man would fall for me, rather than one of my very intelligent, talented, beautiful, funny peers with amazing personalities, but I can’t deny that that is what I would hope for. I’m pretty selfish that way. I want the best even though I don’t deserve it: I certainly will try my best to deserve it though. All I can do is try to be that wonderful godly woman that such a man would want to take as his bride, and right now I’m not doing such a great job of it. I’ve been pretty messed lately. I’ve been falling way out of touch with God. I only read my bible every few days and my thoughts are often far from holy – I tend to think that God doesn’t want his children hoping for death or feeling hatred for each other or just thinking on worldly things in general, none of which have been foreign to me as of late. I want to get back to God and back to the basics, but for some reason it’s just seemed so hard to do lately and I think most of it goes back to situation #1. Something must be very deep-seeded in me that I just won’t let go. Something not birthed out of love, but possibly out of lust. Something that doesn’t belong to me. I would appreciate any prayers that you would lift up for me about this agonizing situation. Thank you.

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Entry filed under: God, life, prayer, school, softball. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Why? Tenth Avenue North

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