ugh

May 6, 2008 at 10:28 pm 2 comments

I feel so sick right now… vomitatious. I should have left it at not talking, but me being the information driven individual I am had to find out the most I could about a situation that should be long gone. Now I’m left unfulfilled, unfriended and without understanding. Unfulfilled because I wanted substance from the conversation. I wanted to know what it is about me that makes me so repulsive. I wanted to know why the best friend I ever had won’t even try to be my friend… doesn’t even want to be my friend. Unfriended because I let go of the fake friendship that we had. My friendship for him was real, but there was nothing but immitation friendliness from him. And without understanding, because I simply don’t get it. I’m the one who has been wrong. I loved completely and I got shafted for it. I’m willing to let it go though… I’m willing to forgive and I’m willing to love a brother-in-Christ regardless of the past. How can he be the one who is unwilling? It doesn’t make sense to me unless there is something so absolutely awful and terrible about me that I just don’t see that is causing this hatred for me – which I’m starting to think must be there. Maybe some aspect of me that was abundantly apparent to every other guy (pushing them away from any interest in me) suddenly became apparent to my best friend. This was a terrible day to end relations. Terrible. Awful. I have my final final exam in history and we go off to Regionals for softball tomorrow. God, help me to not think about it. Lord, please let me focus on you and not think about my ex-best friend ever EVER again. EVER. I’m sure he won’t think about me.

—edit—

oh yeah, and did I mention that it’s the 7th? not just any 7th – May 7th. This may possibly be the worst day of my life… but I would prefer it be the first day of my new life. Why won’t the sky fall when I want it to. Disasters and accidents happen to people everyday, why hasn’t one happened to me?

—also edit—

Also, please pray for me… please please please please please… I’m messed up. I need help. I need God and for whatever reason I’m definitely not getting enough of him.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

CHCB follow up I take it back

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Raquel TWG  |  May 7, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Aw Holly. I’m sorry about this part of the day. I don’t fully understand, of course, but I sort of understand how you feel. I’m happy that your very, very last post shows that it was not the worst day of your life (:

    Reply
  • 2. Lofter  |  May 7, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    Just keep something in mind, my friend… God asks us to sow the seeds – He doesn’t ask us to grow the flowers! That’s what He does! Just keep loving, and I promise that someday, all of that love – all those seeds you’ve sown – will come back to you ten fold! A wise young woman once told me that we have bad days every now and then, so that we can more easily recognize the great days that follow them.

    Chin up… and know you’re in my prayers. :->

    Reply

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