so

So, there’s a boy… let’s call him Cute History Class Boy or CHCB for short. And there’s a girl, let’s call her Softball Girl (SG). When SG was handing out teacher review sheets in her History class, CHCB smiled at her and made eye contact. SG had not noticed CHCB before, and there was only one class period left in which she would be able to talk to CHCB, especially since she didn’t know his name and she was going to Cedarville in the fall. SG thinks that CHCB is very very cute, possibly interested in her and if he loves Jesus he could be a potential suitor. SG wonders if she should hand him a piece of paper on it with her name, number and the question “Do you love Jesus?” or if she should just be patient and wait until a man is MAN enough to take the risk to pursue her. Should SG furnish contact information or just sit back and take it easy? Of course, this story is completely hypothetical

Betterish

I woke up yesterday morning, and I felt good. I was excited to go to church and all that, and I didn’t even remember how I had felt the previous night until a half hour or so had passed. Church was A-MAZING! The songs really got to me. “Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low” God’s always got me. It’s encouraging. Later on I hung out with my friend Michael, who I must say, brightened my day significantly. We got coffee and chatted and then went to the evening service at church. He reminded me that living is worth the risk. So what if I don’t get the boy I thought I wanted? It’s worth living to have the friends that I do have. And Lofter, thank you. I didn’t get your comment until today, but thanks. *big sister-sized hugs*

Save Me From Waking Up Tonight

One song, one sappy, emotional, little song and I fall to pieces. This post’s title is not part of that song, I just thought it fit nicely. The song is something like “Best I Ever Had” and it was shared with me by a friend who was simply sharing music videos of songs that he thought I’d like the sound of… which I did, but the lyrics cut my heart in no less than 20 pieces that soon become a bloody mass of self-destructive emotion. Honestly, I would rather not wake up tomorrow morning. I would rather just die in my sleep. I feel like tearing my flesh off from my chest just so I can remove whatever painful mess of a heart is left caged by my ribs. I just want to cry and have someone hold me… but the only one I’ve got to do that is my mom… there’s no one else to stay up with me and talk to me… no one to give me a reason to live other than God hasn’t caused me to die yet. Honestly, what is He going to do with me? I’m a mess of emotion! All I’ve wanted to do since I was a little girl was get married and be a mommy. No one is gonna want to marry me though. How could they when I don’t feel eros towards them? I’ve tried to like other boys just so I could “get over” that boy who is madly in love with another young lady, but I always crumble. I always regress to the point where I can’t get past how much love I still have for him and how little love I have for anyone else in comparison. I give up… does anyone know how I could accidentally kill myself on purpose? Maybe I should reread some of my chemistry books…it probably gives some hints

damn… don’t respond to this… I’ll probably be over it by the time I wake up tomorrow

Positive Post Tuesday

Alright, this will just be really quick because I forgot it was Tuesday. But really, I would like to thank LCC’s athletic trainer, because she does her job. I know doing one’s job doesn’t sound like above and beyond, but compared to our trainer last year, she’s heads and shoulders above. Last year, our trainer essentially told us to ice and ice and ice. This trainer is actually assessing what’s wrong with my teammates and telling us what we should do to start healing. Plus she set me up with a little care package to take care of my leg which I got a huge raspberry on a few days ago. What can I say? I love her!

Life and a poem

So, my birthday was on Saturday, and actually it was hugely disappointing from noon until 7. Before hand I was doing well as my mommy bought me chocolate and a tiara (cause I’m her princess). Then I went to softball, and as life would have it, my birthday was forgotten about by my coaches and we lost 2 of 3 games. Not gonna lie, I cried. I don’t know why we put so much emphasis on birthdays, and I know that it shouldn’t have mattered to me, but it did. It was upsetting. Anyway, after that I was at a baby shower for my sister for a couple hours which wasn’t too bad, albeit fairly boring. I did get to hold a few beautiful children though, and that’s always fun. Afterwards my family and my friend Lauren all traveled up to St. Johns to eat some delicious food. And it was delicious and fun. And Lisa gave me a birthday plate ^_^ I love my friends! They rock my socks! Then I hung out with Lauren till midnight when she went home… and I quite possibly cried some more because the person I consider my closest friend didn’t call or message me to tell my happy birthday. Oh, also, I slid during one of the games and tore my leg open, so it was oozing all night… and is still oozing now.

Yesterday was much better- by far! In fact, yesterday was so good I’m thinking about celebrating my birthday on April 20th from now on. We had a couple more games yesterday, and since my softball team felt bad about my coach forgetting my birthday the day before they got me some bubbles, a really soft blanket, and they all signed a softball for me and sang happy birthday on the bus I love my team. They rock my socks. Then we picked up a couple wins against Muskegon, though the first one was kinda ugly. The second game we did much better and won 13 to 1. Then the team sang to me again after the second game. Then we ate at Ponderosa and the team sang to me again and I got a cake and a birthday card It made me feel really special… and stupid for crying the night before. Then when I got home and checked Facebook, I saw that my good friend that hadn’t called me the night before left me a message. And that made me super happy as well. And so, other than my leg oozing ever since I got my birthday raspberrry, yesterday was amazing! Also, I didn’t have sliding shorts, so I was wearing a girdle to help hold the bandage in place on my leg. The girls thought that was funny because they’re lacy. Here are some fun quotes from yesterday:

Z- “My grandpa is so cute”
Me-”Is he available?” … this one resulted on my team saying I said something dirty… which it wasn’t… it was an honest question.

T- “Holly, are those your birthday sliders? They’re all lacy…”

And here’s the poem

One Last Time

The time has come
As my eyes are opened
To see that your friendship is fake

And here I sit
Missing the joy we had
When yes meant yes and no meant no

If you have not
but disdain for me
Why did you open up the door

I don’t want lies
I abhor deceit
So perhaps this is one last time

One last time to say goodbye
One last time for me to cry
One last time of letting go
One last time to end the show

It’s far too hard
To feign lovedness
When I can see through all your games

If you can’t live
Evidence of God
Then this needs to be one last time

One last time to say goodbye
One last time for me to cry
One last time of letting go
One last time to end the show

Fantabulous Friday

So, today is Friday! Hurray for the weekend! My sister and her family are coming to visit this weekend from Wisconsin, so I get to see 2 very cute little boys and one absolutely adorable little girl… and then their parents whom I love! I’m gonna give soooo many hugs this weekend! They’re coming because they decided they were going to visit in April and they chose this weekend because tomorrow is my birthday. As of tomorrow night, I will no longer be a teenager, but I’ll still be a child ^_^ (I never plan on changing that). Tonight will be my hanging out time though, as we have 2 softball games and have to finish up one we began on Wednesday. I’m hoping we come away with 3 wins. I also have a couple games on Sunday too, so my family that is visiting will be leaving for home before I return from them.

lalala… I can’t put a coherent thought together right now. It’s probably because it’s sort of early and I’m not good at multi-tasking. Anyway, I think I’ll turn my music off and try to write a little something for y’all.

You are beautiful, beautiful
More beautiful than I have ever seen
Wonderful, wonderful
More than this life that you give to me
I am yours, I am yours
Every day I’ll learn to seek your face
You are Lord, you are Lord
Nothing else will ever take your place

And I’ll sing to you
Because you’ve given me this voice
And I’ll lift you up
Your love gives me no other choice
Win or lose, Lord
I’m always in your hands
To me it’s all the same
And I’ll give glory to your name
With every breath I breathe
Your joy will never leave
And you are beautiful
And I love you

I’m not sure how the rest of that song goes, but I can assure you that it’s pretty rocking awesome. I so need to learn to play an instrument so that I can write music to some of this stuff.

On My Knees

Give me the strength to stay on my knees
No sooner do I stand than I fall on my sword
I don’t mean to commit suicide
And somehow I don’t think “I tried”
Will cut it when I’m face to face with a king

My nights end with no conversation
Prayers go unanswered that haven’t been asked
Hands were not made to kill my brother
And lips to murder another
When all you asked for was my devotion

I’m only well when I’m on my knees
I’m only well when your name’s on my lips
And if complacency tempts me to stand
Put weight on my shoulders to keep me well
Praying in your glory
Praying in your glory

Quick Post

So, the Hawt post today said something about being trapped in an elevator, and it reminded me of when I was trapped in an elevator. In 7th grade, our class trip was to Chicago. While we were there we visited a few places though I don’t remember the names of any of them… one of them was an aquarium, and we also went to a science museum thing. Well, when it was getting time to leave, we had to meet on the ground floor or something, so my group decided to take the elevator down. The elevator got stuck between floors, and we were probably in there for about 5-10 minutes – not too long to do any psychological damage, but long enough to say that I got trapped in an elevator.

And because it’s tuesday, I’ll do a mini-positive post. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and what sort of man I’d like to marry, and I’ve come back with a sad thought – What if the sort of man I’d like to marry won’t want to marry me because I’ve messed up? I want the person I marry to be righteous and love God and live his life with absolute purity and protect my purity as well. Such a man is going to be looking for a woman who is guarding her heart and has not forsaken her purity even for a moment… such a man is not going to be looking for me. On evening a few nights ago when I was particularly feeling the regret of my decisions, I ended up talking with my friend, Clint. Using him as the standard, sure enough I confirmed my suspicions that someone who has risked their purity in the way that I have is not going to be “the one” for a godly, young man. Despite his assurance that whoever I do end up with will be the right one for me, I still am discouraged about the whole situation. However, it is of great encouragement to me that someone who I’ve only ever talked to online would have me continuously in his prayers. haha… it actually made me cry with joy that he was praying for me Now, I met Clint through David Crowder’s xanga when the emprisetv was running and the chat window was regularly used, but since then, he’s continued to be an encouragement to me and it’s truly been a blessing to be able to call him my friend, even if we haven’t met in person.

Sorta Back

I’m sorta back. Being gone made me miss reading some of your blogs, but it also made me realize how much time I waste online. Even though I wasn’t going to blogs, I still spent a ridiculous amount of time online doing other meaningless things. I probably won’t be posting so much anymore, but I’ll try to visit your sites occasionally… some more than others. It depends on how much I love you … so pretty much if you read my blog regularly at all, I consider you someone I love.  Anyway, school and softball are sucking up my time and energy. I can barely stay awake at night to finish my homework, and I think it’s time for me to let go of my hold on internet sites a bit more. Facebook is gonna be the hardest to let go, but if I practice some discipline, hopefully I’ll get to the point where I’m not so addicted.

Week Off

Hey y’all, I’m gonna be gone for a while. I won’t be checking back here or any of your sites for a week. I was sitting in church this morning, and the pastor was talking about how we are much to busy with meaningless activities far too often. I agree with him. One of the activities that I get caught up in is blogging and visiting others’ blogs. At the end of the message, Pastor Alan asked the congregation to fast for a week from TV. I don’t think I watch TV all that much anyway, and there’s no way I’ll convince my parents to have the TV off the whole week, so I’m gonna go another route with the blog thing. I’m letting y’all know I’m leaving first, though. Perhaps I’ll see you again next week or perhaps I’ll get over the whole blog thing. Regardless, you can contact me through e-mail or phone if you still want to talk to me or whatever. Hope you all have a wonderfully amazing week! God Bless!