Stoked, but Scared

So, I’ve spent the last 4 months in Wisconsin, just one large lake over from my home in Michigan. I went to Wisconsin for a few reasons: to help my sister with her 3 children all under 4 years old (one of them a newborn), to help my brother-in-law with remodeling their house, and because my life seemed to be moving in a downward spiral since summer break started and I wanted to figure out what I should do with my life. Here I am, December 28, 2007, having helped my sister and brother-in-law, but seemingly not having helped myself. I still have no idea what I want to do other than what my desire has been for several years and it seems like fewer and fewer of my close friends have time for me anymore. But something is shining beneath the broken pieces of pottery– an opportunity.

You see, last year I played softball at a community college in Michigan, I didn’t play much, but I was still on scholarship. However, due to the college’s finances, there were going to be fewer scholarships offered this year. I was one of the girls who would not remain on scholarship. Without that scholarship and without another $1000 scholarship I wasn’t receiving due to a fluke on the foundation’s part, it would be difficult for me to pay for classes without getting a loan. Not wanting to dive into debt, I chose to take the semester off. Now, fall semester is over, and spring semester starts in less that 2 weeks. I was planning on taking classes using scholarship money I would receive from another organization, so I got myself scheduled to take some elementary education courses. So, here I am in Michigan, all ready to get back into the whole “college craze” and I get an e-mail from my softball coach. He’s telling me one of the players will be ineligible in the spring, and if I want it the scholarship is mine. I probably won’t get much playing time, but my school will be paid for. Now, there’s a lot of pros and cons with this opportunity. If I play, I’ll get school paid for, I’ll get to use the fitness center for free, I can use my other scholarship money for books and stuff, I’ll get to play a sport I love, and not the least of the pros- I’ll get to go to Florida for Spring Training. However, if I’m playing softball I won’t have a flexible schedule. This means I won’t necessarily be able to take all the classes I want, with so much time consumed by softball it’ll be hard to get a job and keep up on my school work too, I won’t be able to fix up my parents house as I would like to, and the movie nights will probably have to wait until the summer. As you can see, there are many reasons to either keep my plans or to change them based on this offer.

I’m taking the scholarship. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. I feel that it may be more beneficial to my future to ignore softball and just go for a degree, but I feel that it’s going to be way more fun playing softball than not playing. No offense to anyone who opts for jumping right into being an adult and having responsibility, but right now, I’m gonna go for fun. All in all, I’ll still be working towards a degree, and I’ll be staying in shape, and I’ll not be taking part in the immorality of the other girls on my team. They say that bad company corrupts good character, but perhaps rather than that, I can be a light that shines the love and glory of Christ.

Did I mention I get to go to Florida when it’s still cold in Michigan? Maybe this time I’ll where some stronger sunscreen… lobster red and blisters don’t suit me very well . And maybe we’ll even be close enough to Miami that I can get a visitor

To be or not to be… honest

I’m struggling with something I really shouldn’t be struggling with recently–honesty! Here’s the deal: I’m going to a community college where out of district tuition is nearly twice as expensive as in-district. Last year I lived with my sister, who was in-district so my cost was less… really it was non-existent due to my softball scholarship, but that’s a different story, but as my sister is getting married, I will be moving back in with my parents who are just barely out of district. Anyway, I’ve got $1500 worth of scholarship money coming and the detail of my address will likely determine whether that will pay for me to be a full-time vs. half-time student. Personally, I would like to keep my address as at my sister’s place until my classes get paid for, but that wouldn’t be quite honest, would it? So, I changed my address to my parents house. I have already signed up for my classes, so if the cost goes up, I’ll have to drop at least a couple of them. It shouldn’t have been such a hard decision to change my address, but perhaps I’m putting too much faith in money and not enough faith in my Great Provider.

—edit—

This song helps

David Crowder Band – Only You

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it upto You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

You should see the view
When it’s only You

Acts and Revelation

I have been reading through the bible for the second time in the past year and a half, and after I finish Acts and Revelation, will have completed my goal. I think reading the scriptures every day has helped me out a lot in my everyday struggles. I didn’t used to read so much, and never did any sort of memorization other than what I learned from songs and of course John 3:16. Some of the songs were pretty great though, like “Revelation, Revelation 21:8, 21:8, liars go to hell, liars go to hell, burn burn burn, burn burn burn” or “Romans 16:19 says, be excellent at what is good, be innocent of evil, oh be excellent at what is good, be innocent of evil and the God of peace will soon crush Satan, oh, God will crush him underneath your feet!”

Anyway, I’m being distracted, so I’m sorry for the incompleteness of this post. The point is that reading daily is good. I encourage everyone to do it!

Back!-ish

So I will be online from time to time and occasionally update… internet will not consume nearly as much time as it used to though. So yeah… Merry Christmas soon everyone!

I Don’t Know

I can’t figure out why I’m online right now.  There are no pressing matters that require me to be online or do research or anything. I don’t even have any friends online right now. I could be on EmpriseTV chatting with some cool people, but I really don’t add much to the conversation. Right now, being online is just making me bored. It doesn’t seem to make sense to me. Why would I stay online so I could be bored.

If I get offline now, there is a plethora of things that I could do with my time. I have yet to make Christmas cards, finish making presents for some of my friends, and I also have to read my bible.  I know I could always pray more too.

I think I’m gonna give up internet for a while. I’m not sure how long, but I know there are better things I can do with my time. I will allow myself the ability to get online for matters such as registering for classes and whatnot, but I don’t think I’ll be checking blogs. So, to the maybe 3 people who come to my blog consistently, I hope y’all have a blessed Christmas!

2 Songs

I was listening to Shaun Groves’ cd called Invitation to Eavesdrop earlier today and 2 of the songs really hit me hard. Those two songs are “Welcome Home” and “My Two Cents.” If you don’t have them memorized, you can read the lyrics here.

What really got to me in Welcome Home was the part that says, “Every closet’s filled with clutter / Messes yet to be discovered.” I realize that I’ve been holding onto everything, not letting a bit of it go. I’m being a pack-rat and it’s weighing me down.  Every chamber of my heart is filled with the past, and I won’t be able to serve God to the best of my ability if I store everything up inside of me rather than throwing it out. God can’t fill every part of me when this clutter takes up so much space.

The reason “My Two Cents” really hit me is, well, if you know me at all, you’ve heard my “same old story.” My pity parties are pretty much over, I just wish I had heard this song when the old story wasn’t so old. I’ve wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself and seeking comfort and a cure-all in every friend of mine, but the only one who can help me is my King.  Yeah…

Scholarship

So I got this scholarship for a payment of $3,000 over the coarse of 2 years, $1,500 per year. It says it must be used 2 consecutive years, but it does not specify 4 consecutive semesters.  I took this semester off, but I was hoping I should be able to get it for the spring semester, since that still is technically part of the 2007-2008 school year. My account online says it’s credited to the fall semester, so I’ll have to call and find out whether I can still use it or if it’s gone for good.

If it’s there I’m gonna take a few classes since I would have the ability to do it for free, but if it’s gone I think I’ll wait until fall to start up school again. I really hope it’s there. If it is I can probably schedule to take classes with at least one of my friends. That would be good ^_^

Brought with the snow

It snowed today, and it snowed quite a bit… in fact, it’s still snowing. Snow brings happiness to a lot of people. It brings them memories of hot cocoa, and family and Christmas. That’s close to what snow used to mean to me… those things and a nice break from school. Right now, I’m not encouraged by the snow. Right now, the snow’s not reminding me of the bad times, but rather some of the best times of my life! Right now, the snow is making me sad, because I don’t know if I’ll ever have that happiness again–at least not while I’m in this world. *sigh* and right now, the snow reminded me that while Switchfoot plays amazing music, a lot of their music can make me want to cry. Right now I think there are lot of things I could do that would be easier than love, but my Lord commanded me to love. And though loving leaves me vulnerable, I will not take the ways that are easier than love.

 

SWITCHFOOT LYRICS

“Easier Than Love”

Ah La La La La La La,
Ah La La La La La La

Sex is currency
She sells cars,
She sells magazines
Addictive bittersweet, clap your hands,
with the hopeless nicotines

 

Everyone’s a lost romantic,
Since our love became a kissing show
Everyone’s a Casanova,
Come and pass me the mistletoe

 

Everyone’s been scared to death of dying here alone

 

She is easier than love
Is easier than life
It’s easier to fake and smile and bribe

 

It’s easier to leave
It’s easier to lie
It’s harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we’ve become?

 

Where is my soul?

 

Numb

 

Sex is industry,
The CEO, of corporate policy
Skin-deep ministry,
Suburban youth, hail your so-called liberty

 

Every advertising antic,
Our banner waves with a neon glow
War and love become pedantic,
We wage love with a mistletoe

 

Everyone’s been scared to death of dying here alone

 

She is easier than love
Is easier than life
It’s easier to fake and smile and bribe

 

It’s easier to leave
It’s easier to lie
It’s harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we’ve become?

 

Where is my soul?

 

Ah, la, la, la, la,
(Yeah!)
La la la la la la la,

 

La, la, la, la, oh,
(Yeah!)
La, la, la, la, no!

 

It’s easier to love,
It’s easier to love

 

It’s easier to love,
It’s easier to love

 

She is easier than love,
It’s easier to love

 

Everyone’s been scared to death of,
Everyone’s been scared to death of,
Everyone’s been scared to death of dying here alone,
alone

 

[Sing]
Sex is easier than love,
It’s easier than love,
It’s easier to fake and smile and brag

 

It’s easier to leave,
It’s easier to lie,
It’s harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we’ve become?

 

Where is my soul? (Where is my?)
Where is my soul?

 

Ah, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

 

La, la, la, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la, no!

 

La, la, la, la, oh