Today is not the worst day of my life! In fact, right now it is quite wonderful! 
Do you know why that is? That history exam I was so worried about is over… and I think I did well at it too. Alright, who wants to talk about Civil War technology and Coveture?
Now if only I could get my back cracked…
The prayer request still remains. I don’t take back any of that.
I feel so sick right now… vomitatious. I should have left it at not talking, but me being the information driven individual I am had to find out the most I could about a situation that should be long gone. Now I’m left unfulfilled, unfriended and without understanding. Unfulfilled because I wanted substance from the conversation. I wanted to know what it is about me that makes me so repulsive. I wanted to know why the best friend I ever had won’t even try to be my friend… doesn’t even want to be my friend. Unfriended because I let go of the fake friendship that we had. My friendship for him was real, but there was nothing but immitation friendliness from him. And without understanding, because I simply don’t get it. I’m the one who has been wrong. I loved completely and I got shafted for it. I’m willing to let it go though… I’m willing to forgive and I’m willing to love a brother-in-Christ regardless of the past. How can he be the one who is unwilling? It doesn’t make sense to me unless there is something so absolutely awful and terrible about me that I just don’t see that is causing this hatred for me - which I’m starting to think must be there. Maybe some aspect of me that was abundantly apparent to every other guy (pushing them away from any interest in me) suddenly became apparent to my best friend. This was a terrible day to end relations. Terrible. Awful. I have my final final exam in history and we go off to Regionals for softball tomorrow. God, help me to not think about it. Lord, please let me focus on you and not think about my ex-best friend ever EVER again. EVER. I’m sure he won’t think about me.
—edit—
oh yeah, and did I mention that it’s the 7th? not just any 7th - May 7th. This may possibly be the worst day of my life… but I would prefer it be the first day of my new life. Why won’t the sky fall when I want it to. Disasters and accidents happen to people everyday, why hasn’t one happened to me?
—also edit—
Also, please pray for me… please please please please please… I’m messed up. I need help. I need God and for whatever reason I’m definitely not getting enough of him.
Oh my gosh! That’s why CHCB looked so familiar! He was only like the most popular boy in school my freshman(?) year. Lol! Totally funny! I guess I’m glad I didn’t say anything. He was probably only looking at me because he recognized me from high school. I totally do not retract his nickname of cute history class boy. He was handsome back then, and he’s still gorgeous! haha Good times. I love my life!
This is my last week of exams. I took my final Integrated Science exam on Friday (a week early) and it was graded today. I did not do well on it. I got a 75%. Eek! However, if I get full points on the rest of the stuff we have to turn in for that class (which I should) I’ll end up with a 91.2% - that’s still a 4.0 for this class! Can someone give me a w00t w00t? haha So stoked about that! Today I have my departmental final for my History 211 class and my final exam for my Chem in Society class. I’m not exactly sure what I should be studying for the History final, but tomorrow I have to write a couple essays for my final exam in the class, so I’m gonna get working on that pretty quick. *deep breath* I need to kick the butt of these exams! For my history class I probably have a 3.0 right now. The department final is going to account for 10% of my grade, and the final exam will probably be about 30%. If I’m gonna get up to a 4.0 (don’t actually know if it’s possible), I have to ace both of these. As for my Chemisty class, I have something like a 95%, so I’m doing pretty good there. The tests are usually pretty easy, so if I study just a little bit, I think I should do well and be able to keep my 4.0. Well, I need to get some food and get studying. Wish me luck!!! Love y’all!
So, there’s a boy… let’s call him Cute History Class Boy or CHCB for short. And there’s a girl, let’s call her Softball Girl (SG). When SG was handing out teacher review sheets in her History class, CHCB smiled at her and made eye contact. SG had not noticed CHCB before, and there was only one class period left in which she would be able to talk to CHCB, especially since she didn’t know his name and she was going to Cedarville in the fall. SG thinks that CHCB is very very cute, possibly interested in her and if he loves Jesus he could be a potential suitor. SG wonders if she should hand him a piece of paper on it with her name, number and the question “Do you love Jesus?” or if she should just be patient and wait until a man is MAN enough to take the risk to pursue her. Should SG furnish contact information or just sit back and take it easy? Of course, this story is completely hypothetical 
I woke up yesterday morning, and I felt good. I was excited to go to church and all that, and I didn’t even remember how I had felt the previous night until a half hour or so had passed. Church was A-MAZING! The songs really got to me. “Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low” God’s always got me. It’s encouraging. Later on I hung out with my friend Michael, who I must say, brightened my day significantly. We got coffee and chatted and then went to the evening service at church. He reminded me that living is worth the risk. So what if I don’t get the boy I thought I wanted? It’s worth living to have the friends that I do have. And Lofter, thank you. I didn’t get your comment until today, but thanks. *big sister-sized hugs*
One song, one sappy, emotional, little song and I fall to pieces. This post’s title is not part of that song, I just thought it fit nicely. The song is something like “Best I Ever Had” and it was shared with me by a friend who was simply sharing music videos of songs that he thought I’d like the sound of… which I did, but the lyrics cut my heart in no less than 20 pieces that soon become a bloody mass of self-destructive emotion. Honestly, I would rather not wake up tomorrow morning. I would rather just die in my sleep. I feel like tearing my flesh off from my chest just so I can remove whatever painful mess of a heart is left caged by my ribs. I just want to cry and have someone hold me… but the only one I’ve got to do that is my mom… there’s no one else to stay up with me and talk to me… no one to give me a reason to live other than God hasn’t caused me to die yet. Honestly, what is He going to do with me? I’m a mess of emotion! All I’ve wanted to do since I was a little girl was get married and be a mommy. No one is gonna want to marry me though. How could they when I don’t feel eros towards them? I’ve tried to like other boys just so I could “get over” that boy who is madly in love with another young lady, but I always crumble. I always regress to the point where I can’t get past how much love I still have for him and how little love I have for anyone else in comparison. I give up… does anyone know how I could accidentally kill myself on purpose? Maybe I should reread some of my chemistry books…it probably gives some hints
damn… don’t respond to this… I’ll probably be over it by the time I wake up tomorrow
Alright, this will just be really quick because I forgot it was Tuesday. But really, I would like to thank LCC’s athletic trainer, because she does her job. I know doing one’s job doesn’t sound like above and beyond, but compared to our trainer last year, she’s heads and shoulders above. Last year, our trainer essentially told us to ice and ice and ice. This trainer is actually assessing what’s wrong with my teammates and telling us what we should do to start healing. Plus she set me up with a little care package to take care of my leg which I got a huge raspberry on a few days ago. What can I say? I love her!
So, my birthday was on Saturday, and actually it was hugely disappointing from noon until 7. Before hand I was doing well as my mommy bought me chocolate and a tiara (cause I’m her princess). Then I went to softball, and as life would have it, my birthday was forgotten about by my coaches and we lost 2 of 3 games. Not gonna lie, I cried. I don’t know why we put so much emphasis on birthdays, and I know that it shouldn’t have mattered to me, but it did. It was upsetting. Anyway, after that I was at a baby shower for my sister for a couple hours which wasn’t too bad, albeit fairly boring. I did get to hold a few beautiful children though, and that’s always fun. Afterwards my family and my friend Lauren all traveled up to St. Johns to eat some delicious food. And it was delicious and fun. And Lisa gave me a birthday plate ^_^ I love my friends! They rock my socks! Then I hung out with Lauren till midnight when she went home… and I quite possibly cried some more because the person I consider my closest friend didn’t call or message me to tell my happy birthday. Oh, also, I slid during one of the games and tore my leg open, so it was oozing all night… and is still oozing now.
Yesterday was much better- by far! In fact, yesterday was so good I’m thinking about celebrating my birthday on April 20th from now on. We had a couple more games yesterday, and since my softball team felt bad about my coach forgetting my birthday the day before they got me some bubbles, a really soft blanket, and they all signed a softball for me and sang happy birthday on the bus I love my team. They rock my socks. Then we picked up a couple wins against Muskegon, though the first one was kinda ugly. The second game we did much better and won 13 to 1. Then the team sang to me again after the second game. Then we ate at Ponderosa and the team sang to me again and I got a cake and a birthday card It made me feel really special… and stupid for crying the night before. Then when I got home and checked Facebook, I saw that my good friend that hadn’t called me the night before left me a message. And that made me super happy as well. And so, other than my leg oozing ever since I got my birthday raspberrry, yesterday was amazing! Also, I didn’t have sliding shorts, so I was wearing a girdle to help hold the bandage in place on my leg. The girls thought that was funny because they’re lacy. Here are some fun quotes from yesterday:
Z- “My grandpa is so cute”
Me-”Is he available?” … this one resulted on my team saying I said something dirty… which it wasn’t… it was an honest question.
T- “Holly, are those your birthday sliders? They’re all lacy…”
And here’s the poem
One Last Time
The time has come
As my eyes are opened
To see that your friendship is fake
And here I sit
Missing the joy we had
When yes meant yes and no meant no
If you have not
but disdain for me
Why did you open up the door
I don’t want lies
I abhor deceit
So perhaps this is one last time
One last time to say goodbye
One last time for me to cry
One last time of letting go
One last time to end the show
It’s far too hard
To feign lovedness
When I can see through all your games
If you can’t live
Evidence of God
Then this needs to be one last time
One last time to say goodbye
One last time for me to cry
One last time of letting go
One last time to end the show
So, today is Friday! Hurray for the weekend! My sister and her family are coming to visit this weekend from Wisconsin, so I get to see 2 very cute little boys and one absolutely adorable little girl… and then their parents whom I love! I’m gonna give soooo many hugs this weekend! They’re coming because they decided they were going to visit in April and they chose this weekend because tomorrow is my birthday. As of tomorrow night, I will no longer be a teenager, but I’ll still be a child ^_^ (I never plan on changing that). Tonight will be my hanging out time though, as we have 2 softball games and have to finish up one we began on Wednesday. I’m hoping we come away with 3 wins. I also have a couple games on Sunday too, so my family that is visiting will be leaving for home before I return from them.
lalala… I can’t put a coherent thought together right now. It’s probably because it’s sort of early and I’m not good at multi-tasking. Anyway, I think I’ll turn my music off and try to write a little something for y’all.
You are beautiful, beautiful
More beautiful than I have ever seen
Wonderful, wonderful
More than this life that you give to me
I am yours, I am yours
Every day I’ll learn to seek your face
You are Lord, you are Lord
Nothing else will ever take your place
And I’ll sing to you
Because you’ve given me this voice
And I’ll lift you up
Your love gives me no other choice
Win or lose, Lord
I’m always in your hands
To me it’s all the same
And I’ll give glory to your name
With every breath I breathe
Your joy will never leave
And you are beautiful
And I love you
I’m not sure how the rest of that song goes, but I can assure you that it’s pretty rocking awesome. I so need to learn to play an instrument so that I can write music to some of this stuff.
